Change

I have always been able to do awesome on a diet for 2 weeks, 3 weeks max, and then I suddenly give into all the things I have said no to. The past day or two have been a mental battle. There are times I am incredibly hungry and I am losing my love for my protein shake. It is getting harder to think about drinking it . At night, there are times I wish I could eat left overs in the fridge, even bologna! You see I have been a night time eater for YEARS! I would eat anything and lots of it at night. It felt so good to have no restraints. The house would be quiet, my little one asleep, and I could relax and eat. That has always been my hardest time of the day.
I am trying my best to vividly remember what it feels like to binge. At first it starts out simple, maybe what is "normal" for others. After being on a diet, I would try to eat sensibly. I would rationalize that I can just make good choices. I don't have to count points, carbs, calories, etc. It always became a slippery slope. It always became tomorrow I will start my diet. Today we eat and be "merry", tomorrow we diet! That has been my mantra for years. Tomorrow would become today and I would decide to start tomorrow. I became more and more obsessed with food. It was my drug. I was incredibly unhappy, lonely, ashamed, etc. I couldn't stop. It truly was, is, an addiction to me. I spent too many years thinking of food as" good and bad". One bite of something "bad" and I would think the whole day was ruined. I would then have to start tomorrow. At some point I thought if I indulged in cake, cookies, fast food, etc. that I would eventually get tired of it. I was always hungry and one bite was never enough. I always wanted more.
I REFUSE to live like that. I refuse to wake up the rest of my life being controlled by food. We have one life. This is mine. I am 26 and have already wasted too much time. If I do not change, I will live a miserable life because I will hate the person I am. I will have regrets. I will be uncomfortable in my own skin. I will feel hopeless. I will wish I was someone else. I will not be the mother I desperately want to be to my little girl. I will not set a good example for her SO I will continue on my journey. One day at a time. One meal at a time. I know I will not fail if I just keep going.
I am almost 1 week post op. I have 1 week of full liquid diet down, 1 to go. I am down 12.5 pounds since my 2 week pre-op diet. It is hard not to want to weigh every day BUT I know that will make me more anxious and stress. I am going to try to weigh no more than 1-2 times a week.