SO SO

I have missed having time to read blogs, comment, and blog myself. My daughter is back from her dad's and I am back at school. It is so busy but things are going well. I have to be there extra early today so am about to wake up my bear of a daughter. She is so not a  morning person. I am so we clash in the mornings. She reminds me of her dad when she is so grumpy in the mornings.

I am still doing well with the fill. I am making better choices but still struggle at nights. It is like  my bad habits are always at the door waiting to dash in. I have decided to never look at my body with disgust again. Criticizing and hating my body has led to me gaining more weight. I am going to own who I am and what I look like. The only way I can be successful is to slowly learn to accept my body and be proud of the steps forward. I am trying to learn to walk by a mirror and think hell yeah I am losing weight. Thinking positive motivates me to lose more weight instead of bringing me down.

I had gained a few pounds from a weekend out with my old college roomie. I see her 2-3 times a year so I am ok with enjoying her being in down. I am back to where I was before she came to visit. I just have to keep pushing through and not eat snacks that do not make me full. I need to always eat with the intention of making the best choice possible. I eat too many snacks sometimes. Carbs and sugar make you want more carbs and sugar. Yada yada

I hope everyone is having a good week!

Friday, March 25, 2011BYOC


1. How do you handle criticism?

It all depends how the criticism is presented. It is not what you say but how you say it. I do not respond well to "tough love" criticism. If I feel like the person giving the criticism openly admits we are struggle at some point, then I am fine with discussing how I can do something differently. I do need to get thicker skin.
2. Who had or has had the greatest impact on your life?

My daughter turned my world upside down. At the time I was in college, drinking all the time, staying up all night, etc. I said goodbye to that lifestyle and hello to the most rewarding, challenging  job of being a mother. She also makes me want to be a better person, better Christian, healthy, happy, etc. I realize I have to model all the qualities I want her to have!
3. If you had a friend that spoke to you the way YOU speak to yourself – would you keep them as a friend and for how long?

No! I would get tired of their eeyore attitude. I did have a friend who was like the way I am with myself and it is super annoying. You want to be supportive but you cannot do anything until they decide to pick themselves up and fight like hell for what they want.

4. Do you think crying is a form or weakness or a form of strength? Strength, unless you are doing it for the drama factor. Then, I think you have issues and need to grow up. I think when people cry all the time it is difficult to think it is ever a big deal when they cry. It is flat out sexy when a man cries, not crybaby man, but someone who you can tell cares so deeply that his eyes tear up. I hate how I cry sometimes because I do not want to cry. Getting feedback on an evaluation can lead to me sitting their saying to myself--don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.


5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog Land... I miss being so plugged in. I went back to school and Laney is now home. I think about blogging a lot but it has been very hectic. I am trying to catch up now.

In real life... all is well. An old roomie is coming into town tonight, I have my baby back, the scale is moving, I feel content, and I do not need to turn to food. I am just praying to hold on to this feeling as things get stressful. I have to remember I can either wake up and feel better than I did today or I can wake up feeling guilty.

Missing Turkey

OK so it has been 2 weeks since I have seen my daughter, A.K.A. turkey. She was going to come back tomorrow when I get off work (her dad lives 4hrs away) but I would rather her come home on Friday. I want to be able to spend time with her and let her ease back into being home before going to preschool all day. At her dad's she is surrounded by extended family that live literally down the road. She doesn't have to go to school and spends lots of time with her great great grandma and great grandma, while her dad is at school. She got to go camping, to the beach, etc... It takes her a little while to get adjusted to being home and she is exhausted when she gets back. On Friday, I know we will have the whole weekend to spend together before I have to wake her up at 6:00am to go to school.

I know the week will go by fast. I am just really missing her. I am trying to enjoy the free time I have but I just keep thinking of her personality the size of Texas. She definitely thinks she is the boss. I know that is not good BUT she is an only child, spends most of her time around adults, lives with her grandparents and myself. We are working on the concept of respect. Kids learn from imitating. She just can't seem to see why she can not imitate being the boss :) Her attitude seems so funny to me now and cute. Hahaha wait until she is home for a few days. I will not think it is so cute.

She is going to Kindergarten not this Fall but next Fall. She will be 5 in September. I cannot believe I have a 4 year old! Time goes by so fast when you look back on it. You think they are so fragile as babies. They are in a sense but they are also so safe in the world you create for them. I was blessed to stay home for her first 2 years. I worked and went to school at night while she stayed with my mom.

Hoping this is it!

I had a fill on Thursday. I am at 8.5cc in a 11cc band. I am definitely not too tight but if this restriction sticks around, I would have to say I am very close to my SWEET SPOT! I will have to see how I feel once this fill sets in. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to have some good restriction. I truly feel like I have the best tool now to get this show on the road. Just the past 2 days I have realized food is losing the importance in my life. It is hard when others want to spend so long talking about what we want to eat. I hate talking about it forever and then finally eating a very small portion.

I struggle the most at night. I have for years. I also have trouble sleeping all night. It doesn't help that I wake up through out the night. I have to train myself to not eat after dinner. That is my biggest challenge with being successful with weight loss. I do so well in the day and start grazing at night. I need to sit down, eat a small portion, and be done with it. My mom has said to put my tennis shoes by the elliptical and workout when I want to eat. If those were my only two options, I would most likely choose sleep over exercise. After a long day when I am tired and/or stressed, I just want to eat. I have to find something else that I run to. I go through phases of turning to prayer, The Bible, journaling, etc. but I always return to my long lost toxic friend.  Chewing gum helps. I literally have fallen asleep with gum before. I also feel like I am hiding what I am eating when it is late at night and it turns into a free for all. I need to be the most important person I am accountable to and no one else matters!

I have felt what it is like to not depend on food, put my health and fitness first, and eating to live instead of living to eat. Again, I just have to hold on to it and not allow little things to throw me off course!

Thankful

I have decided I will be thankful for every pound I loose. I will not compare it to how many pounds someone else has lost. So many times I have flat out given up because the scale was moving to slow. Believing you can do something can change things drastically. I know this! I have to be committed, determined, and persistent in this journey. I cannot half way do it any longer. I would rather spend two years reaching for my goal than sitting here in another year being someone who the band does not work for. It doesn't matter if I am stressed, depressed, or on cloud nine at a restaurant with friends. I have a path to follow. Now I just have to turn my words into actions and keep my eyes focused.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." --Melody Beattie

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

BYOC

1. Regardless of what stage you are in - in your weight loss, get healthy journey – do you still consider yourself “fat”? Was there a point when you stopped feeling that way?

Yes, I still consider myself fat. At one point, since having my daughter in 2006, I got down to 175 (50 pounds less than I am no) and felt pretty good. Then, one night I was out, feeling great about myself, and passed a guy who said how about losing some weight. He was with this size 2 girl and she laughed and told him not to say that. I felt like an idiot for thinking I looked good. From now on, I am determined to not let anyone change the way I feel!!

2. Tell us about your first kiss.

I am not sure if my friend and I called it this or it was openly called this but we went to a make out party. Hahaha it really was like that. My boyfriend and I had our first kiss there. I thought it was the weirdest thing ever and was afraid I would never like kissing. It is so funny to me thinking of it now.


3. Describe your parenting style (either current or what you hope to do or what you would do if you ever had kids)?

I love to laugh and am always joking around with my daughter. I am working on being consistent and making daily decisions on what is best for her in the long run. By nature I am a laid back person, so I often let behavior go until it is pushing the limits. I am trying to calmly guide my daughter to realizing their are consequences. We talk a lot about how everyone has consequences for choices they make.

4. How would your best friend describe you?

I am a good listener, like to laugh at random things, and a loyal friend.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

In blog life, I am just now really getting into blogging and reading others blogs. It is wonderful and I am glad to be getting to know so many wonderful ladies!

In real life, I am missing my daughter who will be back on Friday. I am getting ready to go back to work on Monday. I am finally feeling like someone with a band, since my fill on Thursday.

Posting to Pass the Time

My daughter left on March 7th to visit her dad. She is coming back on March 25th. He can bring her back the 21st but I want her to have down time before having to go back to preschool. I think it would be best if she came back Friday so we would have all weekend to spend time together and then ease back into a routine. Instead of doing a million things I am putting off (cleaning the house, cleaning out closets, etc.), I just keep posting. All mothers out there can relate to feeling strange when your kids are gone. At first, it is glorious. You can nap when you want to, sleep through the night, finish a phone call, come home and watch TV in silent after a long day at work, etc...
After a couple days of that, you feel so strange not seeing and talking to your baby. It feels super weird not having her carseat in my car. It's like walking around without your purse. Not that a child compares to a purse, but you know that "it feels so weird" feeling :)

I am going out to meet a couple friends tonight. We went out on Monday. I rarely go out. It is nice to be able to go out guilt-free (without knowing my mom is watching my daughter). Drinking has always given me the live in the moment high. I have to be careful not to get carried away. I have been single for a long time. I haven't so much as kissed a guy in almost 2 years. WOW it feels like a long time but not that LONG! I wasn't someone who always had a boyfriend in high school but once I went to college. I was always dating someone. It is hard not to go out and want to meet guys. Logically, I know very very few relationships start at a bar. I just need to enjoy my friends and not turn into a woman on the prowl. It is embarassing to say that but true :)

Questions?

When the doctor asks if you have gotten sick, are they referring to throwing up? Should you mention PB incidents?

When I have a PB incident, it is because I did not listen to the stop eating signals and/or did not chew well enough.

Just curious. I have never actually thrown up. Sometimes I can eat quite a bit and other times I can barely eat. Does everyone have huge inconsistency? Does anyone weigh out 1-2 cups of food and eat no more.

Thanks for you help!

Strength and Peace

I have a book called One Year of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It has wonderful one page reminders of the bigger picture in life beyond the diets, love handles, self-images, etc. The short prayer at the end of the page I read today is:

Master Designer, I've wasted too much time and energy looking in the mirror agonizing over my own reflection instead of feeling the pain of a hurting world around me and doing something about it. Make me a masterpiece that displays your beauty and demonstrates your love.

I pray everyday to inspire others to have confidence and love for themselves. I pray to spend my time helping others instead of wallowing in my own self doubts. We all know if we are eating what we should be eating and exercising, then we should let all the negative thoughts go. My ultimate goal is to be healthy and confident. Growing up my mom would always ask me if God makes mistakes. Of course I would say no. She would then tell me I am his creation and should remember the same one who created the stars in the sky created me. This powerful message is something I already discuss with my daughter. A couple more quotes that bring me strength and a sense of peace are:

 If you say there’s no hope, you’re listening to the father of lies (John 8:44). You’ve encountered the thief who comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)—the one who’s determined to keep you a failure, to defeat you on every front he can. The only way you will bring him down, the only way you’ll extinguish those fiery arrows that will impale you on the stake of continuous defeat until you’re consumed in its flames of destruction is through the Word. His Word is truth, and it alone can sanctify you, set you apart for victory. You may think there is no recovery from your failure. But my friend, if you have God, you have a future—and not a dismal one.  (Kay Arthur)

When fitted with the armor of God, we will not be blindsided by the fiery darts of the Enemy. Past failures lose their power, for they have been dealt with. Present thoughts will not overrun me, for I am in command of my thoughts and I make the final decision on what I believe. The opinions of others do not bombard me, for I have decided to believe what God says about who I am—regardless of what I or anyone else thinks. (Dennis Jernigan)

Seeing the Big Picture

It is very hard for me to work towards a long term goal. I abandon my plan (whether weight loss or a schedule) way too easily. I think I basically tell myself lots of BS. I am almost all talk and no action. I have to realize if I say I am going to do it, I have to do it. I often make unrealistic goals or schedules. I make them when I feel like Superwoman but quickly allow my emotions and other circumstances change my plan.
I have been reading a book about having boundaries with your children so they grow up to be happy, responsible, and successful. It had me thinking about my childhood and I do believe I didn't learn valuable lessons that would have helped me now. This isn't about making excuses or blaming anyone. I have wonderful parents and have always felt unconditional love. As a child, there were times my lack of responsibility had little consequences. I would procrastinate projects and ask my mom if I could stay home from school to finish my assignment. I quit drill team because I felt insecure and had a hard time with criticism. To this day it is hard for me to bounce back from criticism, whether I perceive it as negative or not. I didn't push the limits until college when the stakes were higher. I was overly concerned about disappointing my parents in high school but felt invincible when I went to college 8 hours away. I spent way too much time drinking and living, what I thought, was life to the fullest. I enjoyed the feeling of liquid courage. I didn't feel so insecure or if I did I would just have another drink. I thought I was living the life but it always ended with a feeling of hopelessness.
I think of the woman I want my daughter to be and cringe when I realize how far I am from those characteristics. I am embarrassed to be 27 and still battling issues I battled as a teenager. I have to make every decision based on the future I want to have. It is so hard for me not to be sad about friends who are married, having babies, have a house of their own, etc.
I pull myself out of this negative attitude but seem to always slip back. I have to hold on for dear life to the motivation and determination to change. I have to hold on like my life depends on it because it does!!

Ramblings

I have done better this week. I am down about 3-4 pounds. I am slowly sliding into old habits so I am going to have to make sure I stay on the path I am on. I am in the process of finding someone to talk to, a counselor. I  know I am a horrible emotional eater and would like to at least talk about why. I know why. I tried one psychologist but she was not what I was looking for. She was someone who wanted to make a plan and follow up on it. For example, like a hunger diary so I can rate how hungry I am before and after. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I know when I am eating and I am not hungry. I know I am the reason I have failed so many times. What I do want to talk about is why I do not make the changes I need to make to get the weight off. If this controls me, destroys my self-esteem, and isolates me from others than why do I keep doing it. I have ideas but still think it would be helpful to voice them.


Food has control over me but I ultimately know I am ALLOWING it to have control. I thought I was ugly and fat when I weighed 150. I have always seen myself as fat, seriously since probably 7th or 8th grade. I believe this was all a self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought it for so long and made choices as a "fat" person. Looking back I suffered from depression as a teenager but did not know it at the time. I went on crazy diets (starving, laxatives, etc.) and I did feel amazing when I lost weight. I weighed 135 when I graduated and felt wonderful but could not handle it when I hit 145. I let the guilt and disappointment lead to a cycle of overeating, guilt, diet, repeat. I determined the value of myself by the scale and if a certain boy liked me etc. I wish I could slap my younger self and make her see that no one can take away who you know you are.


It is hard to change the way you think about yourself. It is easier to believe the lies you have been telling yourself for way to long. It is easier to sit and do nothing about why you are unhappy. It is easier to play the victim. It is easier to sit at home and eat then actually working everyday to make your life what you want it to be. It is easier to take a step in the unknown and run back to safety. It reminds me of when I litterally ran through the dark as a child. I would walk calmly by my nightlight and run for my life to the bathroom.


Ok rambling made me feel better. Thanks for listening!

Slow and Steady

I have always had a hard time accepting losing 1-2 pounds a week. It seems like a small reward after busting it all week. I need to realize the bottom line is your are losing weight or gaining. It makes no sense to pack on the weight because you do not like losing only 1 pound a week. Logically, I know you cannot lose weight if you do not eat better and exercise. Anything worthwhile in life, we have to work for. I have been making better choices, getting in my protein, and exercising. I am holding on to this motivation and am determined to stick with it. I will weigh in every Monday and if I lose 1 pound a week I will be glad the scale is moving in the right direction.

My daughter will be gone the next 3 weeks. I am going to devote my time to cleansing my body, soul, and mind. I am going to take my dog for walks everyday, sit on the patio reading a book, eat delicious healthy food, and work everyday on loving myself thin. My weight represents years of depression, shouldas, couldas, wouldas. With each pound I am letting it go! I do not want to let another day go by without taking steps towards changing my heart, mind, and body. My journey is an emotional one. I have had body image issues since I was 150 pounds my junior year in high school. I have always seen myself as big. When I graduated high school, I weighed 135. I have to remind myself that food is not the answer to anything.

Have a good Monday!

Starting to see..

I was trying to find my blog on my blackberry so I searched for what I thought the url was. I was shocked to see how all these many conversations I have had came up. At first, it was a little creepy. I have always known when you blog it stays somewhere forever. Anyway, I also saw some blogs where other people gave me a shout out when I asked for help a week or so ago. I was touched by their kindness and am finally seeing how blogging supports you. I was cynical that you could meet a group of ladies that truly lift you up, catch you when you fall, and lean on you.....all online.
I am blessed to have finally opened my eyes to this wonderful support system. It is really helping me claw myself back on the wagon.

My daughter is leaving today to spend just about 3 weeks with her dad and his extended family. It was going to be 2 weeks but she would be coming home on a Monday. I am so busy in the weeks, and didn't want her to have to go to school the very next day, so he is going to bring her home on Friday. I know when she starts Kindergarten in the Fall of 2012 she will not be able to go see him for weeks at a time. It is a long time for her to be gone but she sees her great-grandma and her great-great-grandma everyday she is there, as well as her cousin, etc. We do not have a big family so I love that she does. It is priceless the time she spends with her 93 year old great-great-grandma. They are truly BFF's. Her dad is also going to take her to the beach, camping, etc. We are very different people but he is a great father. We usually meet half way but he is driving the whole 4 hours and back just to get her Barbie jeep. It won't fit in my car and he wants to take it to the beach. He is a stubborn man that is spending 8 hours in the car, instead of 4, so his little girl can drive her jeep on the beach.

Scale-aholics

I am the only who weighs 2x a day, both in the morning. I swear I wake up and weigh and then an hr later I weigh and have magically lost 3 lbs. Knowing I am 3 lbs lighter always gives me the motivation I neeed for the day.

It has been a hard week because I have been super stressed with work, etc. I have just the weight of everything and there are not enough hours in the days. I really need a break from my little one. I love her with all my heart. It is difficult to not ever be able to go out, sleep in, take a break guilt free. I imagine it is different with a husband. In that case you have someone who is equally responsible for your child. We live with my parents so it is different than dropping her off at Mimi's for the weekend. My mom is always nice about watching her but she has a lot going on too. I see how tired and stressed she is and I just can't ask. If I do, then I feel guilty and cannot truly relax.

Ever feel like you want to just get in your car and leave? I am overwhelemed with a feeling to "escape" and truly just relax and be at peace. I know there is no quick answer. I have been eating things I shouldn't. I haven't changed my life enough. I always wear a bracelet with the Serenity Prayer on it. I read it in the day to remind myself to focus on whay I can change. I know I change the weight issue. I am an emotional eater. I know my DR told me the band wouldn't help people who eat to eat, UNLESS they drastically changed their lifestyle. I am taking baby steps.

I would love to hear how you have changed your lifestyle since being banded. Hope everyone is doing well and feeling the Friday love!

Attitude is Everything!

My mom shared this with me and I read it every morining. I am trying my best to live it!

Attitude is everything. You attitude is something other people actually see. They can hear it in your voice, see it in the way you move, feel it when they are with you. Your attitude expresses itself in everything you do, all the time, wherever you are.

Your attitude determines the direction in which your life goes. It's like driving a car. You can only drive a car two directions: forward and backwards. Your car can't move sideways; and it can't go up or down. Only forward and reverse. A positive attitude will move your life forward; a negative attitude will put it in reverse.

Other people may give you directions, but you are the driver, so it is you who will shift the gears. Do you want to spend your life backing up?

The course of your entire life will be decided by your attitude. (The directions in which you drive.) Your attitude will decide how well you do in life. It will decide how well you get along with your family and friends. Your attitude will decide whether or not you discover your potential , develop your abilities, and reach your goal.