I have done better this week. I am down about 3-4 pounds. I am slowly sliding into old habits so I am going to have to make sure I stay on the path I am on. I am in the process of finding someone to talk to, a counselor. I know I am a horrible emotional eater and would like to at least talk about why. I know why. I tried one psychologist but she was not what I was looking for. She was someone who wanted to make a plan and follow up on it. For example, like a hunger diary so I can rate how hungry I am before and after. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I know when I am eating and I am not hungry. I know I am the reason I have failed so many times. What I do want to talk about is why I do not make the changes I need to make to get the weight off. If this controls me, destroys my self-esteem, and isolates me from others than why do I keep doing it. I have ideas but still think it would be helpful to voice them.
Food has control over me but I ultimately know I am ALLOWING it to have control. I thought I was ugly and fat when I weighed 150. I have always seen myself as fat, seriously since probably 7th or 8th grade. I believe this was all a self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought it for so long and made choices as a "fat" person. Looking back I suffered from depression as a teenager but did not know it at the time. I went on crazy diets (starving, laxatives, etc.) and I did feel amazing when I lost weight. I weighed 135 when I graduated and felt wonderful but could not handle it when I hit 145. I let the guilt and disappointment lead to a cycle of overeating, guilt, diet, repeat. I determined the value of myself by the scale and if a certain boy liked me etc. I wish I could slap my younger self and make her see that no one can take away who you know you are.
It is hard to change the way you think about yourself. It is easier to believe the lies you have been telling yourself for way to long. It is easier to sit and do nothing about why you are unhappy. It is easier to play the victim. It is easier to sit at home and eat then actually working everyday to make your life what you want it to be. It is easier to take a step in the unknown and run back to safety. It reminds me of when I litterally ran through the dark as a child. I would walk calmly by my nightlight and run for my life to the bathroom.
Ok rambling made me feel better. Thanks for listening!
I understand more than you probably think that I do. I used to think that I was fat even when I weighed nothing (see my "original me" picture on my blog). I thought that I was huge then. I used to spit out my food then. Coaches told me I needed to lose weight. So I know what it's like to be hard on yourself. As for the emotional eating and depression, being bipolar I have done that too. A lot. Therapy is a good solution. Find one who won't let you just vent- find one who will make you take responsibility and control but who will also listen- a good balanced therapist. Best wishes and good luck.
ReplyDelete