Relieved

Getting a fill was easier then I imagined. It honestly took no time at all. I barely felt a little pinch. I am doing ok. I am a little nauseous and have a horrible headache. I definitely feel tighter. I cannot tell if the tightness if from the band more than being swollen. I am sure right now it is a combination of both. I have had a shake and a cup of broth. I do feel somewhat hungry but it is mostly head hunger. I do feel restored motivation and determination. I can go back in 3 weeks for another fill. I thought they would make me wait longer and am glad to know if I need a fill I can get one!

First Fill Ramblings

I am excited for my first fill today! I am hoping it will kick start my weight loss. I have actually gained 5-6 pounds since my 2 week post op appointment! I am working through the emotional aspects of "healing" and changing. I will continue to work on that part and I just need the band to be the physical tool. Every single day I have to recommit myself to my health, this process, and most importantly the Lord. When I seek the Lord, I do feel emotionally and physically stronger. I just keep getting distracted and letting temptation get the best of me. I have been eating things I should not. I have been eating in my car on the way somewhere and making sure no one will see the wrapper. I know that I have to change my habits or the band will not work. I do not have any restriction but that is NO EXCUSE. I have to set myself up for success. I have an addiction to eating. Eating is my outlet. I feel pathetic saying that but that is what has gotten me to here. I cannot and will not fail at this! I think there is a part of me that doesn't BELIEVE this will work and I have to change that! I know when I go back to work I will focused on my new students. Children put life in perspective and lift my spirit. I am going to dig deeper in my faith and actively serve the Lord. I need to follow my Lap Band guidelines and exercise and give the rest to the Lord. I know what I need to do. I need to put all my plans into action. I am a thinker but most of the time not a do-er. I am getting on my elliptical. I have downloaded new songs. Right now my favorite thing to listen to is Josh Turner. I love his deep southern voice and he is very easy on the eyes!

7 Weeks Post Op

I cannot believe it has been 7 weeks since my surgery. It has gone by fast and so slow all at the same time! I am ready for the next step and am hoping to have good luck with my first fill on Thursday. I am definitely fighting old habits. I did get 100+ grams of protein in yesterday and all my water. I had not done that in a while. I feel much better physically and will focus on the protein today as well. Some days are better than others. I have hidden my scale and will only be weighing once a week. I am trying to take emphasis off how much weight I have lost and focus on how I feel and how my clothes fit.


I am going to try to spend a good chunk of time in my classroom today. I know I will feel so much better if I can get my bulletin boards put up today. It is hard doing that by myself but always works out. There is no air on in the school now so it is hard to want to stay there for any length of time.


My baby girl is with her Daddy. I miss her but know how important it is for her to have time with him and his family. I just miss her sweet cheeks. She is just precious. I have been praying for the Lord to help me always remember that she is growing up before my eyes. I need to be blessed each day she is the age she is. She will be 4 at the end of September. She was a huge surprise and definitely not planned. She turned my whole world upside down but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Way Off Track

I have veered way off. I feel like I have been eating so much and physically feel so blah. I am going to have to down the water today and get back to my protein. I also have not been writing down what I am eating. I have to get back to that. It really does help me to see the big picture. Also, I haven't exercised in a while. I am not someone who has a bite here and there. Once I start eating the carbs again, I crave them. I am not going to way until I go to the doctor on Thursday. For me that is a huge deal. I am obsessed with weighing and way everyday and sometimes more than once a day. I keep telling myself that it does not matter what the scale says. I am still going to do what I need to do.

I know I cannot beat myself up for poor decisions this weekend. ALL I can do is change what I do today.

Anxious

I am taking my daughter half way to her dad's today. He lives about 4 hrs away and we meet in the middle when I can, otherwise he is more than happy to drive the whole way. She will be gone until the following Monday. She is so excited and I know the time with him and his extended family is priceless. I have a good relationship with him. We have NEVER yelled, called names, etc (even when we were together). He has always been nothing but respectful and nice to me. I am not sure I can even remember him raising his voice to me. Whenever I know my baby is leaving, I get anxious and can't sleep. It is getting easier as she gets older but gives me a restless feeling. I am going to work in my classroom a lot this week and stay busy. It is nice to have down time but it is so strange without her.

Can we say water weight?

My brother and his family are in town visiting. My dad made enchiladas, rice, beans, salsa, guacamole....all homemade and delicious. This morning my fingers are soooo swollen from all the extra salt and sugar I had yesterday. I also ate a couple bites ok cake. It is also my time of the month so I am already bloated. I ate OK with the family. My problem is, when everyone was in bed, I started grazing in the kitchen. Once I indulge I find myself wanting to do it more and more. I am not worried about what I eat in front of people but what I eat when I am by myself. I will be better today. I am going to go for a walk when it gets light and drink water, water, water.

I keep telling myself how silly it is to feel miserable just to eat something. It is my mission to feel better when I wake up tomorrow! I keep telling myself that I am not giving any food up FOREVER but just making a choice to not have it right now. In other words, I am trying to lose my now or never attitude!

Balance

If I could achieve balance in my life, I would be a much happier person. I am someone who will not put away laundry here and there but wait until I have a massive pile of clean clothes. I am a procrastinator and make things so much harder than they need to be. When I get on a cleaning kick, I clean for hours. In every area of my life, I am like this. I know I have an addictive personality. I do not live with routines. I am extremely motivated for a few days and then "down" for a few days. I will continue to pick myself up and look to scriptures for strength. I know it is all a mind game. I know that going out for drinks one night is a slippery slop to wanting to eat "bad" foods for the next couple days.

I think for years I have felt that I am out of control with my eating/weight. With or without the band (thank goodness it is WITH), I have to realize I am always in control. I make the choice to nourish my body and take a step towards being healthy or to take 5 steps backwards. I know this is truly a journey, a marathon. and a process. I just have to keep walking. There will be times I can run and feel like I can go forever. There will also be times I just want to quit and I think I just can't do it. As long as I just have to keep moving!

Blind Date and More Ramblings

So tonight I am going with a friend, her boyfriend, and a single guy to dinner, drink, etc. I have heard about this guy for the past 2 months. My friend who put this shin dig together is a 1st grade teacher at my school and I do trust her judgement. If nothing else, I know it will be fun and at least I gave it a chance. I truly have a Jekyll and Hyde personality when I am out. I can be outgoing, talkative OR quiet, reserved, and might even look bored. My weight is 99% of why I am hesitant. I feel it is impossible for someone to see me and be attracted to me. If they knew me, I think they would see me differently BUT not just by looking at me. I know I need to believe in myself and the journey I am on. I believe with all my heart that the Lord has a plan for me and my life. I just have to take a chance and find out what that plan is.

I have been seeing a psychologist. Okay, I have only had 2 sessions. I was/am scared that I will sabatoge myself with the band. I told the psychologist that I got the band as a tool to physically "heal" me and therapy is to emotionally "heal" me. I am not sure I am going to continue to see her. Maybe I need to try a different one with a different approach. I might try a Christian counselor. I need someone to not ONLY make me accountable but to lift me up, tell me my thoughts are irrational, etc.

I am getting excited for the new school year. I am going to start working IN my classroom next week. I always have big plans and then end up procrastinating. My students always help me put life in perspective and enjoy the simple joys in life. They teach me just as much as I teach them. Teaching is exhausting. Some days after work, it is hard to imagine doing it all over again the next day. Each morning , when I pick up my kids in the cafeteria, I am refreshed by their sweet smile and hugs. I am blessed to be a teacher at a school I love, with a team I love.

All or Nothing

I am trying so hard to let go of my ALL or NOTHING mentality. I have been having good days and not so good days. When I THINK I have not eaten so good day, it is hard for me to kick the failure feeling. I am trying, praying to stop connecting EVERYTHING to my past attempts at weight loss and my past in general. I have been reading books by Geneen Roth and she captures what I feel perfectly.

From her book Breaking Free from Emotional Eating
"Most of us miss our own lives. Most of us spend our time preparing for a moment that never comes, while the years slip by, unnoticed, unused".
"The means to an end cannot be separated from the end. If you attempt to get thin be reining yourself in, judging yourself, not believing in yourself, you will end up a deprived, self-condemning, and frightened human being".

I have spent many years waiting for the day I love myself and lose the weight. When I was 145 lbs, I thought I was a fat, gross person. I couldn't stop looking at other girls and being envious of the clothes they wore. When I hit 160 lbs, I could not believe I let myself get so big. I felt as if I gained 50 pounds and not 15 pounds. I stayed in my dorm at college, believing I was disgusting and pathetic and gave up on myself for a day or two at a time. I would eat pints of ice cream, cookies, etc. I became an example of the self-fulfilling prophecy. I am a self-condemning, frightened person when it has anything to do with feeling attractive, worthy, etc. When I first meet someone, I feel like all they can see is my weight. I TRULY FEEL LIKE MY WEIGHT IS WEARING ALL OF MY INSECURITIES FOR THE WORLD TO SEE.

There is nothing logical about being an emotional eater. I was/am someone who saw my reflection and cringed. If I had been eating good and working out, it felt like a joke that I thought I could change. Instead of wanting to work harder, I wanted to simply eat and give up. I am fighting my old habits and telling my negative thoughts to take a hike.