All or Nothing

I am trying so hard to let go of my ALL or NOTHING mentality. I have been having good days and not so good days. When I THINK I have not eaten so good day, it is hard for me to kick the failure feeling. I am trying, praying to stop connecting EVERYTHING to my past attempts at weight loss and my past in general. I have been reading books by Geneen Roth and she captures what I feel perfectly.

From her book Breaking Free from Emotional Eating
"Most of us miss our own lives. Most of us spend our time preparing for a moment that never comes, while the years slip by, unnoticed, unused".
"The means to an end cannot be separated from the end. If you attempt to get thin be reining yourself in, judging yourself, not believing in yourself, you will end up a deprived, self-condemning, and frightened human being".

I have spent many years waiting for the day I love myself and lose the weight. When I was 145 lbs, I thought I was a fat, gross person. I couldn't stop looking at other girls and being envious of the clothes they wore. When I hit 160 lbs, I could not believe I let myself get so big. I felt as if I gained 50 pounds and not 15 pounds. I stayed in my dorm at college, believing I was disgusting and pathetic and gave up on myself for a day or two at a time. I would eat pints of ice cream, cookies, etc. I became an example of the self-fulfilling prophecy. I am a self-condemning, frightened person when it has anything to do with feeling attractive, worthy, etc. When I first meet someone, I feel like all they can see is my weight. I TRULY FEEL LIKE MY WEIGHT IS WEARING ALL OF MY INSECURITIES FOR THE WORLD TO SEE.

There is nothing logical about being an emotional eater. I was/am someone who saw my reflection and cringed. If I had been eating good and working out, it felt like a joke that I thought I could change. Instead of wanting to work harder, I wanted to simply eat and give up. I am fighting my old habits and telling my negative thoughts to take a hike.