Seeing the Big Picture

It is very hard for me to work towards a long term goal. I abandon my plan (whether weight loss or a schedule) way too easily. I think I basically tell myself lots of BS. I am almost all talk and no action. I have to realize if I say I am going to do it, I have to do it. I often make unrealistic goals or schedules. I make them when I feel like Superwoman but quickly allow my emotions and other circumstances change my plan.
I have been reading a book about having boundaries with your children so they grow up to be happy, responsible, and successful. It had me thinking about my childhood and I do believe I didn't learn valuable lessons that would have helped me now. This isn't about making excuses or blaming anyone. I have wonderful parents and have always felt unconditional love. As a child, there were times my lack of responsibility had little consequences. I would procrastinate projects and ask my mom if I could stay home from school to finish my assignment. I quit drill team because I felt insecure and had a hard time with criticism. To this day it is hard for me to bounce back from criticism, whether I perceive it as negative or not. I didn't push the limits until college when the stakes were higher. I was overly concerned about disappointing my parents in high school but felt invincible when I went to college 8 hours away. I spent way too much time drinking and living, what I thought, was life to the fullest. I enjoyed the feeling of liquid courage. I didn't feel so insecure or if I did I would just have another drink. I thought I was living the life but it always ended with a feeling of hopelessness.
I think of the woman I want my daughter to be and cringe when I realize how far I am from those characteristics. I am embarrassed to be 27 and still battling issues I battled as a teenager. I have to make every decision based on the future I want to have. It is so hard for me not to be sad about friends who are married, having babies, have a house of their own, etc.
I pull myself out of this negative attitude but seem to always slip back. I have to hold on for dear life to the motivation and determination to change. I have to hold on like my life depends on it because it does!!

Ramblings

I have done better this week. I am down about 3-4 pounds. I am slowly sliding into old habits so I am going to have to make sure I stay on the path I am on. I am in the process of finding someone to talk to, a counselor. I  know I am a horrible emotional eater and would like to at least talk about why. I know why. I tried one psychologist but she was not what I was looking for. She was someone who wanted to make a plan and follow up on it. For example, like a hunger diary so I can rate how hungry I am before and after. I know what I need to do to lose weight. I know when I am eating and I am not hungry. I know I am the reason I have failed so many times. What I do want to talk about is why I do not make the changes I need to make to get the weight off. If this controls me, destroys my self-esteem, and isolates me from others than why do I keep doing it. I have ideas but still think it would be helpful to voice them.


Food has control over me but I ultimately know I am ALLOWING it to have control. I thought I was ugly and fat when I weighed 150. I have always seen myself as fat, seriously since probably 7th or 8th grade. I believe this was all a self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought it for so long and made choices as a "fat" person. Looking back I suffered from depression as a teenager but did not know it at the time. I went on crazy diets (starving, laxatives, etc.) and I did feel amazing when I lost weight. I weighed 135 when I graduated and felt wonderful but could not handle it when I hit 145. I let the guilt and disappointment lead to a cycle of overeating, guilt, diet, repeat. I determined the value of myself by the scale and if a certain boy liked me etc. I wish I could slap my younger self and make her see that no one can take away who you know you are.


It is hard to change the way you think about yourself. It is easier to believe the lies you have been telling yourself for way to long. It is easier to sit and do nothing about why you are unhappy. It is easier to play the victim. It is easier to sit at home and eat then actually working everyday to make your life what you want it to be. It is easier to take a step in the unknown and run back to safety. It reminds me of when I litterally ran through the dark as a child. I would walk calmly by my nightlight and run for my life to the bathroom.


Ok rambling made me feel better. Thanks for listening!

Slow and Steady

I have always had a hard time accepting losing 1-2 pounds a week. It seems like a small reward after busting it all week. I need to realize the bottom line is your are losing weight or gaining. It makes no sense to pack on the weight because you do not like losing only 1 pound a week. Logically, I know you cannot lose weight if you do not eat better and exercise. Anything worthwhile in life, we have to work for. I have been making better choices, getting in my protein, and exercising. I am holding on to this motivation and am determined to stick with it. I will weigh in every Monday and if I lose 1 pound a week I will be glad the scale is moving in the right direction.

My daughter will be gone the next 3 weeks. I am going to devote my time to cleansing my body, soul, and mind. I am going to take my dog for walks everyday, sit on the patio reading a book, eat delicious healthy food, and work everyday on loving myself thin. My weight represents years of depression, shouldas, couldas, wouldas. With each pound I am letting it go! I do not want to let another day go by without taking steps towards changing my heart, mind, and body. My journey is an emotional one. I have had body image issues since I was 150 pounds my junior year in high school. I have always seen myself as big. When I graduated high school, I weighed 135. I have to remind myself that food is not the answer to anything.

Have a good Monday!

Starting to see..

I was trying to find my blog on my blackberry so I searched for what I thought the url was. I was shocked to see how all these many conversations I have had came up. At first, it was a little creepy. I have always known when you blog it stays somewhere forever. Anyway, I also saw some blogs where other people gave me a shout out when I asked for help a week or so ago. I was touched by their kindness and am finally seeing how blogging supports you. I was cynical that you could meet a group of ladies that truly lift you up, catch you when you fall, and lean on you.....all online.
I am blessed to have finally opened my eyes to this wonderful support system. It is really helping me claw myself back on the wagon.

My daughter is leaving today to spend just about 3 weeks with her dad and his extended family. It was going to be 2 weeks but she would be coming home on a Monday. I am so busy in the weeks, and didn't want her to have to go to school the very next day, so he is going to bring her home on Friday. I know when she starts Kindergarten in the Fall of 2012 she will not be able to go see him for weeks at a time. It is a long time for her to be gone but she sees her great-grandma and her great-great-grandma everyday she is there, as well as her cousin, etc. We do not have a big family so I love that she does. It is priceless the time she spends with her 93 year old great-great-grandma. They are truly BFF's. Her dad is also going to take her to the beach, camping, etc. We are very different people but he is a great father. We usually meet half way but he is driving the whole 4 hours and back just to get her Barbie jeep. It won't fit in my car and he wants to take it to the beach. He is a stubborn man that is spending 8 hours in the car, instead of 4, so his little girl can drive her jeep on the beach.

Scale-aholics

I am the only who weighs 2x a day, both in the morning. I swear I wake up and weigh and then an hr later I weigh and have magically lost 3 lbs. Knowing I am 3 lbs lighter always gives me the motivation I neeed for the day.

It has been a hard week because I have been super stressed with work, etc. I have just the weight of everything and there are not enough hours in the days. I really need a break from my little one. I love her with all my heart. It is difficult to not ever be able to go out, sleep in, take a break guilt free. I imagine it is different with a husband. In that case you have someone who is equally responsible for your child. We live with my parents so it is different than dropping her off at Mimi's for the weekend. My mom is always nice about watching her but she has a lot going on too. I see how tired and stressed she is and I just can't ask. If I do, then I feel guilty and cannot truly relax.

Ever feel like you want to just get in your car and leave? I am overwhelemed with a feeling to "escape" and truly just relax and be at peace. I know there is no quick answer. I have been eating things I shouldn't. I haven't changed my life enough. I always wear a bracelet with the Serenity Prayer on it. I read it in the day to remind myself to focus on whay I can change. I know I change the weight issue. I am an emotional eater. I know my DR told me the band wouldn't help people who eat to eat, UNLESS they drastically changed their lifestyle. I am taking baby steps.

I would love to hear how you have changed your lifestyle since being banded. Hope everyone is doing well and feeling the Friday love!

Attitude is Everything!

My mom shared this with me and I read it every morining. I am trying my best to live it!

Attitude is everything. You attitude is something other people actually see. They can hear it in your voice, see it in the way you move, feel it when they are with you. Your attitude expresses itself in everything you do, all the time, wherever you are.

Your attitude determines the direction in which your life goes. It's like driving a car. You can only drive a car two directions: forward and backwards. Your car can't move sideways; and it can't go up or down. Only forward and reverse. A positive attitude will move your life forward; a negative attitude will put it in reverse.

Other people may give you directions, but you are the driver, so it is you who will shift the gears. Do you want to spend your life backing up?

The course of your entire life will be decided by your attitude. (The directions in which you drive.) Your attitude will decide how well you do in life. It will decide how well you get along with your family and friends. Your attitude will decide whether or not you discover your potential , develop your abilities, and reach your goal.

Thanks

Thank you so much for the support ladies! That is exactly what I need. I do not have much time. I have to wake up my daughter but wanted you to know how inspired I am by your support. I am trying to go and add myself to each of your blogs so I can support you as well. I know I will for sure have time to finish that this weekend. I have worked out 3x this week. I wake up at 4 and do 40 min on my eliptical. I feel wonderful throughout the day. It is hard but I know I just need to keep making it a priority. I hope everyone has a great day!