This time last year I was anxiously waiting to leave for the hospital. It is hard to believe it has been one year. Today is a bittersweet day. I realize how SLOW I am losing and that I am still on the losing gaining roller coaster. My lowest would be -27 pounds. Today I am -20 pounds. I expected to be down way more by the year anniversary BUT I know I am the reason I have not lost more. I still have bad habits, I don't exercise, and I don't focus on getting my water/protein.
I am not giving up. I need a big kick in the a**! I am still emotionally tied to food. I have to exercise consistently. Once I work out a few days I enjoy it. It is always getting started. I have no excuse. I am being positive. Guilt and disappointment never works. I look at my -20 pounds as a victory AND not being above my highest as a victory. Before my surgery, I was on the road to packing on the weight. I know without my band my highest would be way above 240.
I am going to commit to blogging everyday! Maybe that will keep my eye on my goals. I would say my number one reason for eating is boredom and being addicted to sugar. I know I can do this, the question is will I?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Determined to Eat
Why am I determined to finish something even if I know it will make me sick? It is hard to get excited to and prepare something to eat and then take a bite and be done. I am allowing food to control me again! I am feeling bloated, no energy, etc. I am doing well in the day and then just giving up in the evening. I have to stop. I am getting further away from my lowest and I am going to Destin in July. There have been so many trips I have planned to lose weight for and never do. I am always mad at myself and feel depressed when I am actually at the beach, lake, river, etc. I drink my body anxieties away and feel a tempory fix. I know this is a destructive cycle. I have lost between 20-25 pounds. It will be one year with my band June 8th. I am self pay and make a huge payment every month for my friend the band. It is the whole self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am a teacher. I would never expect a student to become a better reader if they never read. I preach that you have to turn on the video games and find a book/author you love. You will never like to read if you do not read. The more you read the easier it is for you and you can enjoy the story! If you can think it, you can say it. If you can say it, you can write it. If you can write it, you can read it.
It is easier to act helpless. It is easier to give into emotional eating. Temorary fixes are easier. The tough question is why would you keep doing the very thing you hate about yourself. The very thing you have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on. It is a mind game we can all win. We have to accept there are no excuses to eat jumk excessively. There is no reason to eat in hiding or to run to food when we are upset.
I feel better after venting and have the kick A** mentality. It is ultimately up to us to be take the steps to be successful or keep complaing. It reminds me of going off the high dive. You can climb up there a million times but if you never actually jump off you will never know how awesome it is.
I am a teacher. I would never expect a student to become a better reader if they never read. I preach that you have to turn on the video games and find a book/author you love. You will never like to read if you do not read. The more you read the easier it is for you and you can enjoy the story! If you can think it, you can say it. If you can say it, you can write it. If you can write it, you can read it.
It is easier to act helpless. It is easier to give into emotional eating. Temorary fixes are easier. The tough question is why would you keep doing the very thing you hate about yourself. The very thing you have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on. It is a mind game we can all win. We have to accept there are no excuses to eat jumk excessively. There is no reason to eat in hiding or to run to food when we are upset.
I feel better after venting and have the kick A** mentality. It is ultimately up to us to be take the steps to be successful or keep complaing. It reminds me of going off the high dive. You can climb up there a million times but if you never actually jump off you will never know how awesome it is.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Time to Regroup
I have been getting further and further away from my goals and healthy lifestyle. It happens a step at a time. You think one little step will be ok but then you look up and you realize how far away you are from where you started.
Laney is with her daddy for the next 2 weeks so it is a perfect time for me to focus on making good choices and exercising. I need to remember everyday that I will never make it to my goal unless I take steps toward it. I do not even want to talk about what I am going to do. We all know what we should do. We all know our weaknesses, our favorite excuses, and that is easeier to keep eating what we want and acting puzzled when we do not lose weight.
Not only does the scale not move but you feel gross. You feel bloated, have no energy, and just plain yuck!
Laney is with her daddy for the next 2 weeks so it is a perfect time for me to focus on making good choices and exercising. I need to remember everyday that I will never make it to my goal unless I take steps toward it. I do not even want to talk about what I am going to do. We all know what we should do. We all know our weaknesses, our favorite excuses, and that is easeier to keep eating what we want and acting puzzled when we do not lose weight.
Not only does the scale not move but you feel gross. You feel bloated, have no energy, and just plain yuck!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Triggers
I have fallen into the Easter candy and cookies hole. I should know those are my trigger foods and I should turn the other way when they are offered. The scale is up. I feel bloated and have the too much sugar blahs. I know the only way to turn it around is to STOP and take the steps one at a time back to feeling good about myself.
I hope I can check back in tomorrow and be out of this sugar coma :)
I hope I can check back in tomorrow and be out of this sugar coma :)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
No Polyana--TOM
Ever seen those commercials advertising an extreme PMS condition? I for sure know I suffer from some extreme PMS....not the cramps, etc. I mean knock down hormones that come with a full order of mood swings and depression. I have literally felt hopeless so many times when my TOM is present. I have been a grouch that could one up Oscar the Grouch. I have wanted to push everyone away and just stay in my room and sleep.
I have talked to the doctor who prescribes me medicine for my depression. She suggested a natural supplement BUT you take 6 pills a day for the 10 days BEFORE your period and 3 days INTO your period. I cannot take that many pills for 13 days out of each month. The pills are huge and I have enough trouble always remember to take my daily medicines in the morning. I know I should do whatever it takes but I always think I am fine until the TOM makes it round again. I have to find an easier solution that all those pills.
I just heard a crash from my daughter's room so am going to cut this short!
I have talked to the doctor who prescribes me medicine for my depression. She suggested a natural supplement BUT you take 6 pills a day for the 10 days BEFORE your period and 3 days INTO your period. I cannot take that many pills for 13 days out of each month. The pills are huge and I have enough trouble always remember to take my daily medicines in the morning. I know I should do whatever it takes but I always think I am fine until the TOM makes it round again. I have to find an easier solution that all those pills.
I just heard a crash from my daughter's room so am going to cut this short!
The Choice
I had to share. This is beautiful and helps me see the bigger picture of another day!
It’s quiet. It’s early. My coffee is hot. The sky is till black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.
The Choice By Max Lucado
It’s quiet. It’s early. My coffee is hot. The sky is till black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.
In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.
For the next 12 hours I will be exposed to the day’s demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I’m free to choose. And so I choose…
I choose love. No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.
I choose joy. I invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I choose peace. I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.
I choose patience. I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
I choose kindness. I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.
I choose goodness. I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse.
I choose faithfulness. Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word.
I choose gentleness. Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.
I choose self-control. I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will not, rule the eternal. I will be influenced only by God.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Consequences
Feeling yuck this morning. I drank several glasses of wine on Friday and they are dictating my appetite and scale. I overindulged in wine that night but not food. The next morning I weighed and I saw 213....so down 3 pounds from the day before. I figured it was because I was dehydrated but it was still nice to see that number on the scale. When I am mildly hungover all I feel like doing is eating. I feel down (probably interactions with my medicines) and think eating will help give me energy. I weighed this morning and it said 220 at first and then 218.5. That is a 5.5 pound gain. I am sure if I get my liquids in today and make awesome choices with will be down tomorrow. I was so happy with my progress but now have to wait it out until my body can make sense of all the calories I have had recently.
It is not a big deal but it is a trigger for me to continue eating poorly and feeling down about the scale and the swollen feeling I have from eating too much sugar, etc. I have to stop those thoughts right here. I think about just drinking shakes today so the scale will move it. Again, this is a trigger for me. I am willing to crash diet for a day to get the scale back where it was. I have to make good choices regardless what the scale says.
It is not a big deal but it is a trigger for me to continue eating poorly and feeling down about the scale and the swollen feeling I have from eating too much sugar, etc. I have to stop those thoughts right here. I think about just drinking shakes today so the scale will move it. Again, this is a trigger for me. I am willing to crash diet for a day to get the scale back where it was. I have to make good choices regardless what the scale says.
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