I am not CURED!

I am not one of the banders that is not hungry after surgery. I do get hungry and I do crave food. I am an emotional eater. When I give into something I am not supposed to have I want double the amount. I feel guilty but I keep going. As I type, my family is making blueberry pancakes. I know I could eat 1 BUT I am not strong enough to just eat 1...yet! I do not feel restriction. I get full and, at times it is a really full feeling, BUT for the most part I know I can eat what I want. I have been having a bite here and a bite there. I know I am SLOWLY veering off.

I have not gained any weight BUT have not loss anymore. I am going to be strict the next few days and not allow my cravings and my desire for instant gratification to control me. I just paid thousands of dollars and I do want this. I know my weight has ALWAYS been a slippery slope. The only way to guarantee that I do not slip down is to get off the slope!

Old habits are not broken easily. I have to remember this is a journey with ups and downs, with moments of joy and moments of despair. If I stay true to myself, true to the band I will be just fine. I have to hold strong to my belief in the PROCESS!!

This next week I am going to be getting ready, basically shopping, for one of my dear friend's wedding. I am blessed to love the women I work with, the ladies on my 2nd grade team. One of them will be getting married Saturday. I am going out of town with my other teammates for the rehearsal dinner and wedding. I will have a weekend away! I do not even want to go shopping for what to wear to the wedding!

Liquids, Liquids, and more Liquids

I have 6 more days of this liquid diet. I am having a hard time drinking my shakes. It almost makes me nauseous when I think of drinking them. I am drinking the Myoplex Light. I tried UNJURY non-flavored protein powder. I mixed it with some Crystal Light. YUCK! I have had a heightened since of smell and the smell made me ill. I tried to have an open mind but then decided I shouldn't eat it if I have to basically hold my nose while I drink. I am having a hard time getting my protein in. I would say on average I get 40-45 grams, when my doctor wants 60. I did eat mash potatoes, thinned with skim milk, and thought they we delicious. I could only eat about 4 bites and then felt super full. I had runny oatmeal this morning. It was good. Anything but the shakes!!!
I have lost 18 pounds now!! 9 preop and 9 since since my surgery on the 8th. The past 3 days I have lost 2 pounds a day. I am getting greedy! I better chill out because the moment I stress about it I won't see the scale budge.
I have two fingers and part of my palm that are NUMB. They are constantly tingling like they are waking up from being numb. It does not really hurt but just weird!! I called my doc and the nurse said it isn't lab band related and I could go to my primary doctor OR wait for my post op next week. I am guessing it is from the anesthesia. I have had it for DAYS. I have never had it before so it has to be from surgery!
Despite losing 18 pounds I don't really feel like my clothes are fitting any different but surely they are! Maybe I just overestimated how much I was stuffing myself in my pants. I am going to a wedding next weekend. I am hoping to feel better in my clothes by then!

Change

I have always been able to do awesome on a diet for 2 weeks, 3 weeks max, and then I suddenly give into all the things I have said no to. The past day or two have been a mental battle. There are times I am incredibly hungry and I am losing my love for my protein shake. It is getting harder to think about drinking it . At night, there are times I wish I could eat left overs in the fridge, even bologna! You see I have been a night time eater for YEARS! I would eat anything and lots of it at night. It felt so good to have no restraints. The house would be quiet, my little one asleep, and I could relax and eat. That has always been my hardest time of the day.
I am trying my best to vividly remember what it feels like to binge. At first it starts out simple, maybe what is "normal" for others. After being on a diet, I would try to eat sensibly. I would rationalize that I can just make good choices. I don't have to count points, carbs, calories, etc. It always became a slippery slope. It always became tomorrow I will start my diet. Today we eat and be "merry", tomorrow we diet! That has been my mantra for years. Tomorrow would become today and I would decide to start tomorrow. I became more and more obsessed with food. It was my drug. I was incredibly unhappy, lonely, ashamed, etc. I couldn't stop. It truly was, is, an addiction to me. I spent too many years thinking of food as" good and bad". One bite of something "bad" and I would think the whole day was ruined. I would then have to start tomorrow. At some point I thought if I indulged in cake, cookies, fast food, etc. that I would eventually get tired of it. I was always hungry and one bite was never enough. I always wanted more.
I REFUSE to live like that. I refuse to wake up the rest of my life being controlled by food. We have one life. This is mine. I am 26 and have already wasted too much time. If I do not change, I will live a miserable life because I will hate the person I am. I will have regrets. I will be uncomfortable in my own skin. I will feel hopeless. I will wish I was someone else. I will not be the mother I desperately want to be to my little girl. I will not set a good example for her SO I will continue on my journey. One day at a time. One meal at a time. I know I will not fail if I just keep going.
I am almost 1 week post op. I have 1 week of full liquid diet down, 1 to go. I am down 12.5 pounds since my 2 week pre-op diet. It is hard not to want to weigh every day BUT I know that will make me more anxious and stress. I am going to try to weigh no more than 1-2 times a week.

Laney's Home

Laney has made it home and is adjusting better than the last time she went to visit her dad. I tried to wait as long as possible to tell her I will not be able to pick her up for a few weeks BECAUSE that would make her want to picked up even more! When she finally asked, I told her while I was gone I went to the doctor and he fixed some things in my stomach. I showed her my tape and told her I can't pick her up for a while because then I would have to go back to the doctor. She is very curious and is asking tons of questions. I just could not bring myself to say I had surgery to get healthy. The last thing I want my daughter to think is that surgery is what you do to get healthy OR you need surgery so you will not be fat or anything other twisted things. I know the day will come and I will explain the band but for now there is no way an almost 4 year old would understand.
I want my daughter to be free of all of the self esteem struggles I have had. I know I cannot completely control how she feels. My mother and father were always very complimentary and supportive. They have never said an unkind word to me about what I look like, my personality, or my abilities and I syruggled. Like all parents, I want to use my knowledge so my daughter doesn't have to learn the hard way. I want her to know you can spend years thinking you are not pretty, thin, smart, funny, etc. enough. If you do not love yourself you cannot truly love someone else. Everyday we have to make decisions that take us a step closer to what we want our future to be. It is never too late to turn things around. The moments you feel most alone are the moments God is closest to you. The list goes on and on. I know as I become healthy and learn to appreciate and care for my body more and more, I will become a better daughter, mother, and teacher.

Tomorrow

My daughter has been with her dad for since last Thursday. It worked out nice because she was not here when I had surgery and I had a few days to relax without her. I have missed her terribly but know she has had a blast. It breaks my heart when she goes through the transition of being home after she has been with him and all his family for over a week. The past couple visits she cries hard when she leaves with her dad. She has cried to me on the phone and told me to come pick her up. When she gets home then she cries for her dad. I know it will get easier as she gets older but it still makes me sad that she has to go through that. My daughter will never know me with her dad because we split up when she was just a couple months old. We have always had a good relationship and and try do family outings (Zoo,etc) as often as we can. It means so much to Laney to have her mom and dad together with her.

I am going to have to explain that I cannot pick her up and she has to be careful not to jump on me or kick me. She is super observant and asks a million questions so I better be prepared with some answers.

3 Days Post Op

This is the first day I actually feel hungry. My protein shakes take away the hunger so I am going to stick to those. Chicken broth tastes good for a change but doesn't make me too full. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to have the Lap Band. My parents are so supportive and are my biggest fans. I am blessed to have parents who never make sarcastic remarks about my weight and/or eating. They know my weight and depression are not answered by simply quit eating and be happy.

I am going longer without taking my pain medicine. I feel discomfort where my incisions are and especially where my port is. Overall the pain is sore and not a sharp pain. Sometimes it creeps me out that I have this band and port in my body. It is a hard thought to get used to but then I think about how people have artificial knees, pacemakers, heart transplants, etc.

I am keeping my eyes ahead and refusing to look back. I cannot wait to buy smaller clothes and be more active. I want to be able to take Laney skiing, hiking, etc. I want to instill a love of adventure and the outdoors in Laney. I want to eat to live and not live to eat. Often on the Biggest Loser they show the contestants pigging out on their audition video. You can see the sadness and hopelessness in their eyes. That is exactly how I have felt for years. I have allowed my weight to defeat me. I have given up on myself. I have given up on loving myself and fighting everyday to be happy. I have been on a vicious cycle of losing weight, binging, gaining all and more weight back, shame, guilt, overeating, etc. On the Biggest Loser this past season there was a mother daughter team (the PINK team). Ashley told her mom in the beginning " What if I can't do it?" and her mom's response was "but what if you CAN". They motivated me to realize I need to stop thinking of all the reasons I cannot do it. Instead of thinking how this can fail, I am going to focus on what it will be like when I succeed.
Happiness is a choice.