Help please!

I have never posted or commented enough on others' blogs to really build a support system. I need the accountability and the connection to others who have or are going through the process of weight loss with the band. SO I am asking for followers who I can support and will support me as well. I need to live and breath my life with the band. I often do not consider how drastically my life has and needs to change.

I know there is no excuse to spend thousands and make a commitment to changing your life and then not changing it. I am down 22 pounds but for 9 months after surgery I do not think that is acceptable. I have not stopped eating my emotions, eating sweets (cake, cookies, ice cream), and consistently exercising. I am not mad at myself but the band. I have a confession....from August to the beginning of January I was smoking. I haven't smoked in 6+ weeks and although I crave it at times I know I will not. I know I cannot possibly rationalize why that is ok when I am working on my spiritual, mental, and physical health. I feel like a weak person who needs to feel some out....some way to let the stress out. I work full time and am a single mom. I have friends who are either my age with no kids or older friends with families. The bottom line is I am lonely, carrying a lot of responsibility by myself, and can only pull myself out of this slump for little bits of time.

I am scheduled for a fill March 17th. Between now and then I am going to see what happens when I truly stick to the program and work WITH the band and not against it. I know this is possible. Many of you are proof of that!!

It is hardest to find time to exercise.I have a really nice elliptical. I wake up at 5 every morning and leave (or try) to leave the house between 6:30-6:45. My daughter will wake anytime between 5-6:15 SO if I try to workout there is a big chance she will wake up extrememly grumpy and will now have to stay with me while I shower and get ready. It makes for an extra hectic morning and is frustrating because there have been times I have to stop my workout half way. In the evenings, we ge home between 6:00-6:30 99% of the time. Now I race to fix dinner, spend time with my daughter, get ready for bed, etc. and end up not being able to think about exercising until between 8 and 9. At that point I am exhausted and do not want to shower before bed. I am just going to have to do it but I can only run on no sleep for so long (my daughter or my puppy frequently wakes me in the night)!

Back from the Other Side

I haven't posted since August. Truth is when you are not keeping to the lifestyle you do not want to post. I often read others' posts. I enjoy reading about the success of others and it does show me that it can be done. I also feel so discouraged and angry with myself that I have been losing and gaining weight. I have never gotten below 215 and I have consistently bounced between that and higher.
I have some restriction. I have 8cc out of 11cc band. I just find that the things that are good for me to eat are often the most difficult to eat...chicken, eggs, etc. Basically, I eat nothing for breakfast and cannot eat too much at lunch. By night, I seem to be a bottomless pit. I am going to get a small fill ASAP. I know there is no excuse to have gone through this, self-pay, and then not change my lifestyle long enough to drop this weight.

And the Stress Begins...

School started. I feel like my world is one of those globes you shake and watch everything spin around. I know it will get better. I am being pulled in a thousand directions. I have not been eating good and until this weekend can not seem to have time to go to the store to load up on veggies and protein. I am about to wake my daughter up and hopefully she will not be so grumpy and need me to literally pull her out of bed. She eventually snaps out of her mood but not until my patience is worn thin and we have wasted 20 minutes or so. I pick her up at 5:30-6. We are both exhausted and there is no way I am going to try to take her into a grocery store. I eat very little all day. Maybe a shake or a yogurt. I love to eat at night. I just want to zone out and eat. I do not see how I could fit exercise in my day but will start this weekend. I have 5cc in a 11cc band. I know I am not working with my band. I have never been sick from what I am eating but know I am eating too much. I am off to wake up my slow pokey.

Blame it on the Alcohol

I am not someone who can abstain from drinking. I do not drink very often so when the opportunity to hang out and have a couple drinks presents itself, I am all about it. Being a teacher, this summer has been full of weddings, birthdays, and nights with the girls which means drinks, drinks, drinks. I love beer. I mean I did love beer. I panic now when trying to find a drink so I have become a white wine lady (reisling).
I bet you cannot guess what I want to do when I drink.......EAT! I also want the occasional cigarette. These nights out have always led me to veer off path. Last night, I had a couple glasses of wine. By couple, I do not mean 2. I then wanted to eat so I got a happy meal. I also bought a pack of cigarettes. What I realized, is the food and smokes seemed so gross to me. I ended up throwing away all of it after one smoke and a few bites of my cheeseburger. I am not proud that I indulged but I am excited that I did not ENJOY it. I did not wake up today wanting more junk. I did not wake up wanting to smoke but with the memory of how gross it was. I know I am not CURED but it is a victory to not want more fast food, etc.

Goodbye Scale

My scale and I are on the outs. Instead of motivating me, I watch the scale like a hawk and it is making me miserable. I am going to have to weigh in once a week. It is hard but I think it will help me realize I am not defined by the number on the scale. My journey is defined by making good choices, exercise, sleeping better, etc. It is soooo hard for me to not get on the scale but I need to give this a try. I need to get in the game and stop reviewing and planning my stats.

I have been exercising more and need to stick to that. It is so hard not to compare myself to others who have Lap Band. I try to focus that this is MY journey. I have to realize that I need to be my BIGGEST FAN and not my WORST CRITIC. It is hard but I am taking baby steps.

Some of the people who have been successful look like they have always been skinny. I had to go back and read their very first blogs. It gave me so much inspiration to see where they started and what they have overcome!

Frustrated...Again

I did well yesterday. I turned down candy, cookies, chips, etc. at my workshop. I came home and squeezed in 45 min on the elliptical before getting my daughter from preschool. I ate well at dinner (black beans with low fat cheese), which was about 6:30. I was tired, sore, and grumpy. I finally got my little girl to sleep and then I am hungry. It is 9:00. I eat 2 hard boiled eggs and 1/2c -1c of chicken salad (fat free mayonnaise, pecans, apples, relish). I then ventured off to some BBQ potato chips. I continue to graze as if I am searching for the one thing I TRULY want. I hate how I do so well and then all of a sudden all of my old urges come back full force. Last night I even started thinking about what it would be like to stop and get donuts or chicken minis this morning. The negative thought find a way to sneak in and then attack full force. I been banded for 2 months and lost 16 pounds, which used to be 21. I have not truly lost weight in weeks. I was feeling this way and then had 4-5 days of feeling way more optimistic. I just ate how it is such a rollercoaster because then when I am down again it seems that much harder to pick myself up. Why is the mind so irrational? I have to stop focusing on the scale and focus on making good choices and exercising. I will drink my shake for breakfast and take my giant water bottles to workshop.

2nd Date with the Band

Until my fill I had no feelings for my band. It was just boring and I thought it was a dud. After my fill, I was charmed and fell in love with my band. I feel like I have a lot of restriction because I had NONE! I am not at my sweet spot by any means but it FINALLy feels like I have a band. It was like hearing about this great guy and then spending time with him and not seeing why everyone thought he was so great!! I now see it. I am still wanting to snack at night but I think that is just my issue and not my band issue. In the day, I am satisfied with small meals for the most part. I get another fill on the 19th. I am excited to get even more restriction. Unfortunately, my DR stops doing fills at 3 pm. I am a teacher so that does not work for me!!! I am sure I can work it out but that bummed me out. I am getting a fill a week before school so hopefully when/if I go back in September I will be able to figure how I am going to leave before school is out.
I am in workshops all week. It is a nice way to ease back into the school year. They provide lunch and snacks. Yesterday the snacks were full size candy bars and chips. I just ate some more lunch meat. I made chicken salad and boiled some eggs for today. Have a blessed day!