Holding Steady

Yesterday was the first time in a few weeks that my old habit are lurking around. I still cannot eat anywhere near what I could when I was stress eating. I need to remember how I feel this morning. Just blah. It is hard to remember that the better we eat the better we feel. I am going to do great today. I have 3 more days until my official weekly weigh in. I am down 2.5 pounds for the week and would really like to lose another pound or so BUT if it doesn't happen I will keep truckin' along. It is when the scale is being stubborn that we really have to count on our faith, determination, and the ability to see the results.

This might sound weird but I do not want to be friends with my daughter's father on facebook. His girlfriend friend requested me last night. He and I are as good of friends as we can be. She is super nice and treats my daughter really well. I just do not want to mix the two worlds. I like to know I can post whatever I want on facebook and not worry about the way it might sound. I feel strange saying no we cannot be friends on facebook but I want to be friends in life. I am friends with sooooo many people from work and love to "talk" with  them. I just don't feel comfortable with it.

I have to go get ready. Happy Friday!

Overcoming Challenges

I hope everyone is having a great week! That is a little too cheerful for me. I hope everyone is meeting the challenges of their week with strength and faith. I am going through a tough time at work. I know in the long run I will be thankful for the lessons I am learning. I just have to remember to keep my head held high and to know I have the determination to move forward. I have to look at the positive and not dwell on the negative.

I am down to 216.5. 216 is the lowest I have seen since being banded. I am excited to push through that number. I am empowered everyday by the weight I lose. I am just going to use my weightloss as a reminder that what seems impossible is in fact possible!

Food is Losing

Since my last fill, I have really had restriction. Restriction like never before. Restriction that keeps me from eating too much, leaves me full for a long time, and is what I have always dreamed of with the band. It took
9 1/2 months to get to this point. It is mentally mind boggling to eat such small amounts. Eating is not fun. Of course, I enjoy some soups and yogurt. Everything else (eggs, mashed potatoes, chicken, lunch meat, noodles, etc) is just no fun to eat. I can eat them but have to work at it and even then it doesn't feel great. I have never had to think so much about eating. I emotionally loved food because it was numbing. I could eat and not even think about it. NOW I do not run to food. I now get excited about Starbucks (always loved it but it is now my fast food) and drinks. I get excited about a Route 44 un- sweet tea from Sonic and my new favorite drink that I cannot remember the name. It is delicious and 10-20 calories per bottle.

I know I have to be careful and not find foods that are easy to eat but not healthy. I know I could drink milkshakes but they do not tempt me. I weigh myself a lot but it keeps me from eating late at night. Last night I woke up and was going to eat something and then weighed. I was still at my lowest weight so did not want to mess it up. I need to make sure I am eating enough.

Oh yeah I bought my ticket to go to Destin this Summer. That is also helping my motivation!

RUDE

Another blog got me thinking of all the things people that are so RUDE. You know the comments I mean. You cannot believe they just said that. You almost are waiting for them to laugh. It must be a joke to say something like that, especially when it is a compliment wrapped in rudeness. What comments stick out in your mind? Here's mine:

- A student the other day told me "you actually look pretty today".
- Another student told me my hair is frizzy when she walked in the classroom.

I understand kids are learning. I talk to them about why it is rude. I explain to them that because I know them I know they did not mean it like that. We talk about other ways to get your point across. Now here for the adults:

- A parent asked me "What happened here?" as she waved her hand in front of her chin. Ummm my face is broken out. She said I had such a pretty complexion. Then she went on to tell me I look so different with my glasses and with all this (as she waved her hand around her face).
-I was talking with coworkers about my daughter asking me sometimes if I want her daddy to come live with us. She says he can sleep with her room. She asks her daddy if he wants to come live with us and sleep with her. A coworker said my daughter was a manipulator or manipulating (can't remember exactly I was seeing red). Ummmmm my daughter is 4. She has never known her parents together and has no clue why we are not together. What 4 year old would not want to see her mom and dad everyday!!

Holding On

Lately, I have been feeling better and better physically, spiritually, and mentally. I always go through phases of this. I will feel positive about the past, present and future. Then will wake up one day and just feel down about everything. I am trying my best to hold on to my faith, motivation, and happiness. It reminds me of playing Tetris. You will do good for a while making every  block fit beautifully. Then, one will come and will end up out of place and the blocks will begin stacking up faster and faster. You lose at the game and then decide it is dumb to playing Tetris anyway.

I know I will continue to have days where any moment I will realize I am on Punk'd, or some other hidden camera show. The part I want to change is letting that bad day lead to lots of bad days. I think it was MandaPanda who posted about always quitting. There have been so many times where I gain weight or do not lose and I throw the towel in. I throw the towel in like the whole point of becoming healthy is not valid because it is not happening on my schedule.

I am taking it day by day. I am constantly thinking of all the successes of this day. I am not thinking of tomorrow or day dreaming about the way I thought my life would be like at 27. When I see my body, I think of how it has been abused and neglected. I see a body that has been scrutinized since I was in junior high. Nothing this body ever did was good enough. It was always compared to others. It was loathed.

BYOC

Are you superstitious?

Not really. I do love the number 7 though. All of my clocks are set 7 minutes ahead. I am not really sure when or why I love this number but I do. I also like multiples of 7. I would have loved to get married 7/7/2007. I was just missing the groom :)
You wouldn’t be caught dead where – wearing what?
I would have to say wearing a bikini (any 2 piece bathing suit).....anywhere. Even if I lost all my weight, I am pretty sure my 2-piece bathing suit days are over!

What brand of perfume to you wear?
Victoria Secret Heavenly or Clinic Happy.

Name five non-human things that you love and why.
My puppy dog! She sleeps with me every night. I love a rainy day napping with her. There is something so peaceful about the love of a dog.

1. books - I sometimes cannot remember if I was watching T.V or reading, when I think of something I "saw".
2. diet dr. pepper- I have not had one since surgery but I LOVED it and still miss it
3. beer- I have not had one since surgery and miss it more than diet dr. pepper. I am not a big girly drink drinker (except margaritas). I like wine but am not going to order it at a bar. Also, I loved going to the beach or lake and drinking beer while sitting out in the sun. It is not quite the same with a bottle of wine!
4. a good bra-I hate bra shopping. I always buy one and then realize it makes me look like I have cones or a uni-boob!

Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.

In blogland - I miss having the time to blog everyday and read posts. I am hoping to catch up.

In real life, the stress of being back at school and Laney being home has definitely returned. I am
in a good place, as far as my depression goes, and am trying to hold on to it. I just booked a flight to Destin in July to spend a week with a couple friends. I have to work super hard between now and then because I want to feel comfortable.

SO SO

I have missed having time to read blogs, comment, and blog myself. My daughter is back from her dad's and I am back at school. It is so busy but things are going well. I have to be there extra early today so am about to wake up my bear of a daughter. She is so not a  morning person. I am so we clash in the mornings. She reminds me of her dad when she is so grumpy in the mornings.

I am still doing well with the fill. I am making better choices but still struggle at nights. It is like  my bad habits are always at the door waiting to dash in. I have decided to never look at my body with disgust again. Criticizing and hating my body has led to me gaining more weight. I am going to own who I am and what I look like. The only way I can be successful is to slowly learn to accept my body and be proud of the steps forward. I am trying to learn to walk by a mirror and think hell yeah I am losing weight. Thinking positive motivates me to lose more weight instead of bringing me down.

I had gained a few pounds from a weekend out with my old college roomie. I see her 2-3 times a year so I am ok with enjoying her being in down. I am back to where I was before she came to visit. I just have to keep pushing through and not eat snacks that do not make me full. I need to always eat with the intention of making the best choice possible. I eat too many snacks sometimes. Carbs and sugar make you want more carbs and sugar. Yada yada

I hope everyone is having a good week!