BYOC

1. If you were given $1,000,000 that you had to spend ONLY ON YOURSELF....how would you spend the money?

Pay off my credit cards and my student loan! I would hire a personal trainer (a gorgeous man I would later start dating) and a personal chef. Oh yeah, and of course a maid!


2. Who would you say is the one person that's had the most influence on your life? By that, I mean the person that has molded you in to the person you are today?

It is a tie between my mom and my dad. Both have always been supportive but in different way. My mom is the one you can tell anything to and not feel judged. She is extremely understanding and nurturing. My dad is the one who pushes me and has always given me "life lessons". He is the tough love man when it comes to straightforward conversations. I feel like I am a little bit of both of their personalities.


3. What is your normal morning routine? Are you a bear in the morning, or is the morning your favorite part of the day?

I am a morning person. I love getting up and drinking coffee, checking blogs, grading papers, etc... I woke up at 4 a.m. and it is Saturday morning. My problem is I also love naps. So around 8 a.m. I will be ready for a nap, which most of the time I cannot have....so eventually I do become a bear at night.


4. If you're just a Facebook user, what do you think of the new changes?

I have facebook but have not been getting on as long as I was. I have not noticed the changes or have an opinion. I have a love/hate relationship with facebook to begin with.


5. Repeat question....how was your week in real life and in blog land this week?

Blogland - I have recommitted myself to Blogland. It really does keep me focused and allows for me to reflect on where I am. I have loved the support and tough love I have received.


Real Life - Super stressful but I made it through. It now seems it will slow down. I am still learning how to balance work and home. Overall, I had an ok week. After yesterday, the week became amazing. I had a meeting that went way better than I thought. A lot of different things I have been worried about have been dealt with and now I  can move on.

Accountablility

I did well yesterday. I got 70 grams of protein, 30+ grams of fiber, lots of water. When I came home, I had a small portion of lasagna. I could barely finish it. There was a distinct moment I thought I am done. I took a couple bites past that and ate the rest.

Then...
I had a huge bowl of Rice Krispies ( I added sugar) and some Baked Lays and before bed I ate icecream....a pint of no sugar added vanilla.  It is hard to be honest about what I ate. I am a closet overeater. Typing it helps me come clean and lets me realize how clearly what I ate was not someone who is trying to become healthy and lose weight.

I look back at the point I felt done eating and now know even one more bite leads to more and more. I am an emotional eater. I have felt, and acted like, a victim to food for a LONG time. I need to realize I do not need food. I can walk away. I also need to realize making great choices in the day is not ENOUGH. You can sabatoge yourself by what you eat at night. I need to have a no food after 8pm rule. It is at the end of the day, when I am exhausted, that I find comfort in eating and being lazy. My victim mentality wants to blame being stressed for eating crap.

I am a single mother and spend my day with 23 children...

REALITY is I will have more energy being healthy. I will be a role model to my students and daughter. I will become less stressed because I will not be on the horrible cycle of eat..feel guilty...eat...feel worthless...
I will realize the power in taking care of yourself. I will realize I must love myself enough to become healthy. I am the only one standing in my way.

Ok I am geared up for another day! Blogging really does help!!

Slowly on my way back...

I appreciate all of the encouragement and tough love I received. I am making an appointment with my surgeon today. I am going to try to get an appointment the week of Thanksgiving ( I am out of school the whole week). I want to do everything I am supposed to be doing before I see my surgeon. I want to answer YES to exercise, protein intake, water intake, small portions AND then see about my band being too tight.

I think I irritate my band so that is maybe why I have difficulty eating the healthy stuff. I am going to take it very slow today, beginning with protein shakes. I am blessed to have found a shake I LOVE. It is the Vanilla Monavie shake powder. If you make it with skim milk, it is 26 grams of protein. I am also blessed salad gives me no trouble at all and I love salad. I can also get a lot of protein in with my salad, by adding chicken, etc. I think because you naturally chew salad more it helps me truly chew the meat.

I better wake up my daughter. I do believe the more I blog the more accountable I am so I wanted to make time this morning to recommit to my goals.

Back to Basics

I am here again. I am here trying to get motivated and determined to be successful. I am one of those who went through the surgery and did not make the changes needed to change.  I was banded a good 15  months ago and have lost between 10-20 pounds (it fluctuates). The lowest I have ever seen is 213, which would put me down 27 pounds.

I have seen at least 2 fellow banders, who were heavier than me, pass me up and are in onederland. What did they do that I haven't?

count their calories
EXERCISE
change the way they eat

They worked for every pound and deserve their success. I am praying I will do what it takes to turn this around. I know I have to decide to turn it around. I have made that decision dozens of times. I am going to have to take it food choice by food choice and day by day. I have to be accountable so might just need to post what I am eating, how often I PB, etc..

The deal is I do PB at least once everyday. I feel like I cannot truly enjoy eating so that is how I rationalize eating ice cream, etc. I might need to post pictures of myself so I have to face what I am battling. I maybe have 4 pictures of my daughter and I in the last 5 years. I hide from the camera.

I cannot allow myself to sit here and think about how much weight I can lose by Christmas, etc. I cannot sit here and come up with some crazy "crash" dieting I will do today. All I can do is keep up with my calorie intake and vow to exercise.

ONE STEP, ONE BITE at a time!!

Help Support a Newbie

A dear friend of mine recently had surgery. Please stop by her blog and show some support. Thanks!

http://alifetimetochange.blogspot.com/

33 Days

I have been MIA lately. I recently went to Destin for a week with some old college roommates. It was a blast. I threw all of my insecurities out the window and just had a good time. I ate and drank too much. No regrets though!

I will get to meet my new class in 33 days! I am going  back to basics and hoping to recharge my weight loss. Losing weight to me equals gaining confidence and energy to be the best teacher I can be. My weight is, and has always been, a reflection of my emotions. I want to work on being in a better place mentally, spiritually, and physically. It is to the point I do not need to talk about. I need to just DO IT. I know exercise is key for stress, depression, and health. I know what it is like to be so bogged down with sugar and just feel blah. Sugar blah feeds into laziness, apathy, etc....

I am the queen of setting goals, planning how much weight I will lose by when, and overall putting lots of thinking into it but no follow through. I am going to think like a healthy, energetic, "thin" person and flat out turn my back on sweets and empty calorie carbs. I know I will not be perfect but I need to work on the whole not letting food control me, etc...

It is a mind game, I am determined to win. I am very PROUD of you ladies who have stayed in the game and continue to lose!!! It inspires me to back in the game, no matter how slow it seems. I used to weigh as much as some of you ladies. I got discouraged with how slow it was moving...so stopped....makes perfect sense?

The vacuum cleaner is calling my name. I must say vacuuming is my favorite. It is the dusting that I hate.

Baby steps: I will clean house and get on my elliptical today :)

Taking a Line from a Poem

Yesterday in class, we lifted a line from a poem and just used that to start our writing. Here was mine. I loved it because it is about the one I love most in this world.

Do You Remember When?

Do you remember when? I do.
I remember a time when the world was full of possibilities.
I remember looking forward to my adventure after graduating college.
I remember dreaming of being an independent woman with endless opportunities.
Think Sex and the City Texas style.

Do you remember the time you knew everything about your life was changing? I do.
I remember starting a journey I never bought tickets for.
I remember landing in a place I never wanted to go.
I remember being scared and disappointed  as I was forced to cross over to the unknown.

Do you remember when? I do.
I remember realizing life, the good and the bad, was all a part of God's plan.
I remember realizing my mistake is my greatest joy.
I remember having goose bumps thinking of what I would have missed if I had let my fear make the decision.

Perspective

 I am taking a 12 day writing workshop. Yesterday was the first day and I love it. We are becoming better writers to become better writing teachers. I signed up last summer but dropped it after a day. I was about a week out from my surgery and it seemed too much. I know know it had nothing to do with my surgery. My heart wasn't in it. I was bored by 10:00am and all I could think about was going home.  I wasn't ready to share my writing with others or to try different strategies with an open mind. I had nothing to write about.

This summer I have a lot to write about. I turn most of my free writing into a conversation with the Lord. It is a great group of ladies in the class. We love to laugh and also feel comfortable sharing. It is amazing what you see with an open mind!

I called my daughter's dad yesterday and offered for her to come be with him on Father's Day. I know at school this week they are talking about Father's Day and want her to get to see her daddy. Her Nan (great, great grandma) is turning 93 on the 30th. I also wanted her to be with her on her birthday. The bond between the two of them is amazing. I want my daughter to spend all the time she can with her Nan. For some crazy reason I thought Father's Day was Sunday and Nan's birthday on the 30th was THE FOLLOWING Thursday. I thought my baby bear would be gone 1 week. I realize now there is a week in between. She is also staying with her daddy July 10-21 when I go to Destin and have a workshop out of town. Her dad always wants to keep her a long as he can. He said he would give up Father's Day so she could be there for Nan's birthday, if I didn't want her to be gone from home so long. Of course, I said she can be there for both. It is hard because he lives 4 hrs away so she cannot just go for the weekend. She will be gone 2 weeks, home for 10 days, and gone for another 11  days.

I have to remind myself that it is not about me and what I need. It is about her. I know she is safe there, gets to see lots of extended family, and gets to form a strong foundation with her dad and his family. It is hard for her to be gone so long but it is no easier when I think of all her dad has sacrificed. Hard to say 2 weeks is too long even though you drive here for the day to spend an afternoon with her. 2 weeks is too long even though you have never had her on Christmas, etc. His job is flexible now. She has not started school. This is the time she can go spend a few weeks here and there.

Baby Bear has really been growing up. She will be 5 at the end of September. I am so glad she will not start Kindergarten until next year. She has been listening so much better and learning to just say OK when I ask her to do something. We have been working really hard on not "talking back" and how we cannot just throw a fit when we don't like something. I have been enjoying spending time with her a lot lately. We seem to have left some of the terrible 2's that were really 3-4's behind. I know school being out for the summer has given me WAY more time and patience with her. I am still amazed of the all consuming love I feel for her.

BYOC

BYOC



How and why did you first start blogging? And how long have you been blogging?

I guess I have been blogging for close to a year. I started reading Lap Band forums and would click on links to other blogs. Blogging helps me get rid of the blahs.

Tell me about your perfect mate – if you could invent him/her?

Definitely someone I can emotionally, spiritually, and of course physically connect with. I need someone who wants God to be apart of their everyday life and their relationship. I have never had a relationship like that so am not exactly sure how it would be BUT want that in a mate. Manners and compassion are a must. I cannot stand the personality type of always blaming everyone else but never taking responsibility for your own actions. Love tall men. Oh yeah and it is a deal breaker if they do not believe dogs should live inside or do not like dogs!
Do you wear fake eyelashes? Do you want to? Do you use glue or self-stick ones? Do you like how they look?

Nope and I never will. I would love longer lashes but do not like fake ones.
Let’s say money was no object and neither was time off to recover – are you an advocate of plastic surgery after weight loss?

Like anything in life, if it is for the right reasons and responsible decision than of course. If you will never be happy and will become addicted than no.
Repeat question. Summarize your week in blog land and in real life. In real life, I am getting used to being off for the Summer. I enjoy the extra time but will be in workshops the next 3 weeks. My daughter has been listening soooo much better and I have enjoyed spending time with her.

In blogland, I am trying to post and comment more. I always feel better getting my feelings out there and reading others who struggle as well.

Perfect Description of Where I Am

What Your Bariatric Surgeon Forgot to Tell You That Will Cause Weight Gain

A significant number of people who undergo bariatric surgery for weight loss will at some point regain some of the weight they lost initially with surgery. Patients who stray from the high protein diet prescribed by weight loss surgery nutritionists to eat simple processed carbohydrates, called slurry foods, are likely to gain weight. Learn why.
By Kaye Bailey


This year nearly 250,000 Americans will undergo a bariatric weight loss surgery procedure that will alter the digestive system so significantly it will cause them to lose a dramatic amount of weight rather quickly as they engage in battle against obesity, the leading cause of preventable death in this country. Down the road a startling number of these same people will begin to regain weight and they will naively think the weight loss surgery has failed. In most cases the surgery has not failed: the weight gain can be blamed on excessive consumption of slurry food, something most patients were never warned about before going under the knife.

Slurry food, more commonly described as slider food,is a watery liquid food solution of simple processed carbohydrates containing scant nutritional value. The substance usually comes from crackers, pretzels, cracker snacks, popcorn, cheese snacks, potato chips or tortilla chips, or sugar-free cookies, cakes, and candy. The foods are chewed and washed down with liquids into the surgical stomach pouch where the gastric muscles churn them into slurry which slips directly into the intestine to be quickly processed and stored as body fat. Patients of all bariatric weight loss procedures including gastric bypass, adjustable gastric banding (lap-band), and gastric sleeve, are prone to weight gain if copious amounts of slurry food are consumed.

Surgeons instruct patients prior to weight loss surgery about the Four Rules of surgery. In short the Four Rules mandate a high protein diet, drinking lots of water, no snacking and following a daily exercise program. Masked between eating a high protein diet and no snacking is the unstated consequence that eating empty carbohydrate snack foods washed down with liquids results in weight gain. Bariatric surgery works to cause weight loss because it restricts the amount of energy (food) that can be consumed and in many procedures it inhibits the body's ability to absorb nutrients from food therefore disallowing storage of excess body fat.

After surgery many bariatric patients find the restrictive feeling following eating to be uncomfortable, yet it is the very nature of the surgical gastric pouch to cause a tight restricted feeling after a small amount of solid food has been consumed. This signals the patient to stop eating. Uncomfortable with this restricted feeling, many patients turn to softer processed simple carbohydrates or junk food that can be washed down with liquids creating slurry. The uncomfortable restricted feeling never occurs and patients can eat unmeasured portions without feeling discomfort. Soon the weight loss they were enjoying has stopped and weight regain begins.

Many patients will mistakenly blame their surgical stomach pouch thinking it has stretched out or is no longer working correctly. However, patients who return to a diet of lean protein and avoid drinking liquids with meals will quickly discover the uncomfortable pouch restriction still occurs bringing feelings of fullness with small servings of food. Continued compliance with the high protein diet eventually leads to weight loss once again.

For weight loss surgery patients protein is not always the most comfortable food choice because of the tightness that results following eating. However, for bariatric surgery to work correctly and sustain long-term weight loss and weight maintenance, a high protein diet void of simple processed carbohydrates must be followed consistently.

1 Year

This time last year I was anxiously waiting to leave for the hospital. It is hard to believe it has been one year. Today is a bittersweet day. I realize how SLOW I am losing and that I am still on the losing gaining roller coaster. My lowest would be -27 pounds. Today I am -20 pounds. I expected to be down way more by the year anniversary BUT I know I am the reason I have not lost more. I still have bad habits, I don't exercise, and I don't focus on getting my water/protein.

I am not giving up. I need a big kick in the a**! I am still emotionally tied to food. I have to exercise consistently. Once I work out a few days I enjoy it. It is always getting started. I have no excuse. I am being positive. Guilt and disappointment never works. I look at my -20 pounds as a victory AND not being above my highest as a victory. Before my surgery, I was on the road to packing on the weight. I know without my band my highest would be way above 240.

I am going to commit to blogging everyday! Maybe that will keep my eye on my goals. I would say my number one reason for eating is boredom and being addicted to sugar. I know I can do this, the question is will I?

Determined to Eat

Why am I determined to finish something even if I know it will make me sick? It is hard to get excited to and prepare something to eat and then take a bite and be done. I am allowing food to control me again! I am feeling bloated, no energy, etc. I am doing well in the day and then just giving up in the evening. I have to stop. I am getting further away from my lowest and I am going to Destin in July. There have been so many trips I have planned to lose weight for and never do. I am always mad at myself and feel depressed when I am actually at the beach, lake, river, etc. I drink my body anxieties away and feel a tempory fix. I know this is a destructive cycle. I have lost between 20-25 pounds. It will be one year with my band June 8th. I am self pay and make a huge payment every month for my friend the band. It is the whole self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am a teacher. I would never expect a student to become a better reader if they never read. I preach that you have to turn on the video games and find a book/author you love. You will never like to read if you do not read. The more you read the easier it is for you and you can enjoy the story!  If you can think it, you can say it. If you can say it, you can write it. If you can write it, you can read it.

It is easier to act helpless. It is easier to give into emotional eating. Temorary fixes are easier. The tough question is why would you keep doing the very thing you hate about yourself. The very thing you have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on. It is a mind game we can all win. We have to accept there are no excuses to eat jumk excessively. There is no reason to eat in hiding or to run to food when we are upset.

I feel better after venting and have the kick A** mentality. It is ultimately up to us to be take the steps to be successful or keep complaing. It reminds me of going off the high dive. You can climb up there a million times but if you never actually jump off you will never know how awesome it is.

Time to Regroup

I have been getting further and further away from my goals and healthy lifestyle. It happens a step at a time. You think one little step will be ok but then you look up and you realize how far away you are from where you started.

Laney is with her daddy for the next 2 weeks so it is a perfect time for me to focus on making good choices and exercising.  I need to remember everyday that I will never make it to my goal unless I take steps toward it. I do not even want to talk about what I am going to do. We all know what we should do. We all know our weaknesses, our favorite excuses, and that is easeier to keep eating what we want and acting puzzled when we do not lose weight.

Not only does the scale not move but you feel gross. You feel bloated, have no energy, and just plain yuck!

Triggers

I have fallen into the Easter candy and cookies hole. I should know those are my trigger foods and I should turn the other way when they are offered. The scale is up. I feel bloated and have the too much sugar blahs. I know the only way to turn it around is to STOP and take the steps one at a time back to feeling good about myself.
I hope I can check back in tomorrow and be out of this sugar coma :)

No Polyana--TOM

Ever seen those commercials advertising an extreme PMS condition? I for sure know I suffer from some extreme PMS....not the cramps, etc. I mean knock down hormones that come with a full order of mood swings and depression. I have literally felt hopeless so many times when my TOM is present. I have been a grouch that could one up Oscar the Grouch. I have wanted to push everyone away and just stay in my room and sleep.
I have talked to the doctor who prescribes me medicine for my depression. She suggested a natural supplement BUT you take 6 pills a day for the 10 days BEFORE your period and 3 days INTO your period. I cannot take that many pills for 13 days out of each month. The pills are huge and I have enough trouble always remember to take my daily medicines in the morning. I know I should do whatever it takes but I always think I am fine until the TOM makes it round again. I have to find an easier solution that all those pills.
I just heard a crash from my daughter's room so am going to cut this short!

The Choice

I had to share. This is beautiful and helps me see the bigger picture of another day!

The Choice By Max Lucado

It’s quiet. It’s early. My coffee is hot. The sky is till black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.

In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.

For the next 12 hours I will be exposed to the day’s demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I’m free to choose. And so I choose…

I choose love. No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose joy. I invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I choose peace. I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose patience.  I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose kindness. I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose goodness. I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse.

I choose faithfulness. Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word.

I choose gentleness. Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I choose self-control. I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will not, rule the eternal.  I will be influenced only by God.

Consequences

Feeling yuck this morning. I drank several glasses of wine on Friday and they are dictating my appetite and scale. I overindulged in wine that night but not food. The next morning I weighed and I saw 213....so down 3 pounds from the day before. I figured it was because I was dehydrated but it was still nice to see that number on the scale.  When I am mildly hungover all I feel like doing is eating. I feel down (probably interactions with my medicines) and think eating will help give me energy. I weighed this morning and it said 220 at first and then 218.5. That is a 5.5 pound gain. I am sure if I get my liquids in today and make awesome choices with will be down tomorrow. I was so happy with my progress but now have to wait it out until my body can make sense of all the calories I have had recently.

It is not a big deal but it is a trigger for me to continue eating poorly and feeling down about the scale and the swollen feeling I have from eating too much sugar, etc. I have to stop those thoughts right here. I think about just drinking shakes today so the scale will move it. Again, this is a trigger for me. I am willing to crash diet for a day to get the scale back where it was. I have to make good choices regardless what the scale says.

Beautiful Day

I pray everyday to make the most of the day. I try to only look at the positive and enjoy the sheer beauty of this time of year. It is so easy to feel the walls closing in and forget we are a part of something way bigger than ourselves.

The scale was down 2 more pounds from yesterday. I did drink several glasses of wine last night and I am hoping it does not show up on the scale. I feel like you have to work hard to lose before the TOM. That always throw my weight and cravings off. I am determined to keep making good choices, listening to my band, and being empowered by each pound I lose. I am learning more and more that we have a choice to make each day. We can do everything we can to get closer to our goal or we can make excuses for why we can't eat well, exercise, stop eating when we are full, etc. Every morning I re-dedicate myself to the Lord and to becoming healthy.

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
~ Groucho Marx
 

Holding Steady

Yesterday was the first time in a few weeks that my old habit are lurking around. I still cannot eat anywhere near what I could when I was stress eating. I need to remember how I feel this morning. Just blah. It is hard to remember that the better we eat the better we feel. I am going to do great today. I have 3 more days until my official weekly weigh in. I am down 2.5 pounds for the week and would really like to lose another pound or so BUT if it doesn't happen I will keep truckin' along. It is when the scale is being stubborn that we really have to count on our faith, determination, and the ability to see the results.

This might sound weird but I do not want to be friends with my daughter's father on facebook. His girlfriend friend requested me last night. He and I are as good of friends as we can be. She is super nice and treats my daughter really well. I just do not want to mix the two worlds. I like to know I can post whatever I want on facebook and not worry about the way it might sound. I feel strange saying no we cannot be friends on facebook but I want to be friends in life. I am friends with sooooo many people from work and love to "talk" with  them. I just don't feel comfortable with it.

I have to go get ready. Happy Friday!

Overcoming Challenges

I hope everyone is having a great week! That is a little too cheerful for me. I hope everyone is meeting the challenges of their week with strength and faith. I am going through a tough time at work. I know in the long run I will be thankful for the lessons I am learning. I just have to remember to keep my head held high and to know I have the determination to move forward. I have to look at the positive and not dwell on the negative.

I am down to 216.5. 216 is the lowest I have seen since being banded. I am excited to push through that number. I am empowered everyday by the weight I lose. I am just going to use my weightloss as a reminder that what seems impossible is in fact possible!